Cycle Day 9

At Sant Ambroeus, watching some fabulous people accross the restaurant be photographed while eating their breakfast.  The photographer's shirt is unbuttoned and he has a black scarf wrapped around his neck and curly black hair - he really looks the part.  I am really burying the lede here.

And also, I am eating eggs for breakfast and thinking about my eggs, or, I should say, lack thereof.  

I only have 4 damn eggs!!  $6000 worth of gonal f and my left ovary is taking a nap. All the follicles are on the right side.  This doesn't mean they will retrieve 4 eggs - only that it looks like they might retrieve 4 eggs.  WTF!!!

This is not a total disaster bc I really only need one great egg but in my last IVF I made 12 eggs and that resulted in one baby.  Stuff happens when you dancing with IVF and infertility so you want to get a decent amount of eggs to work with especially when you are spending this much money. 

I am 5 years older than when I did my last IVF, and 39, so I guess this was to be expected.  But, my plan was to get super healthy, get a good amount of eggs, PGD the embryros to make sure we were transferring a good one.  The PGD also would also possibly enable us to choose the gender and we would love to have a girl. Both of my miscarriages were girls.

I will stop and say that I am grateful that there are some eggs.  I know this is a result people get.  And this can result in a healthy pregnancy.  It's just not whay I was hoping for. 

The plan has changed now.  I discussed it with my husband and the plan now is to skip PGD and implant one or two of the best looking embryos and go with god, just like our ancestors.  Well, like our ancestors minus the tens of thousands of dollars and medical intervention.  But with regard to the gender go with god. ...

And then I am done.  I am not doing this again and I am perfectly happy with one child and perfectly happy with my life.  I am not going to keep doing this to my body and draining our bank account.  Yes, I would love to have another child and hopefully this will work.  If not, maybe we will adopt or something.  Or, I can be one of those miraculous stories.  Ya know like Stan and Sue they tried and tried and then when they stopped trying - poof a baby was in Sue's belly and they all lived happily ever after -- thanks to the people who always throw stories like that in my face when I tell them I am ttc.  It's not likely for us with our issues - but I'd take it.  Anyways, I am not doing IVF with immune treatment again if this doesn't work.  It's a miserable hell and no one should have to go through it.  You defintley have not seen the worst of it.  The high dose prednisone and terrible side effects are yet to come.

I'd like to take this time to send a big F U to my last fertility clinic for letting me waste my 34 year old PGD normal eggs.  By implanting them in me and letting me miscarry.  They said immune issues had nothing to do with having a healthy pregnancy.  They said it -- but they were wrong.

Bitterly, 

Natalie