Kind of Pregnant

When I worked as a patent attorney, a partner used an argument in one of our cases that everyone thought was brilliant.   The defendants were argueing that they were not guilty of infringement because only a very small number of the products they sold actually infringed.  He argued that infringing a patent is like being pregnant - you either are or you aren’t.  If I were the judge in that case, he probably would have lost with that argument.  I know that’s just not true.  I also would be pissed that he was so insensitive and ignorant about such a sensitive subject.

I did a transfer on July 18th and had a positive blood test on Wednesday. I was pregnant.

But, I AM only kind of pregnant.  There is an embryo growing inside of me.  My pregnancy tests are positive.  But, I won’t be having a baby. 

My numbers at 13 dpo were 23 and today at 15 dpo they only went up to 30.  They needed to be closer to 50 for this to be a viable pregnancy.

I have to keep taking my drugs until Monday for one more blood test, just in case, but this is similar to how my first two miscarriages started so I really have no hope even though my pregnancy tests say positive — I am not having a baby.

My numbers may keep going up for a while but the numbers are low enough that probably when I stop the meds this pregnancy will terminate on its own.  Although for one of my pregnancies, even though the numbers weren’t going up well, there was still a fetal pole, sac and debatably a slight heartbeat on our first ultrasound.  That pregnancy ended with a d&c.

I was really hoping to demonstrate how reproductive immunology works for women like me.  And I still believe that it does.   

Unfortunately, my story is turning out to be one of just how uncertain and difficult infertility is.  It’s not fair and it’s truly miserable. 

Hugging my son and so grateful we have him.